I was floating on a ‘self-gratification’ binge following a difficult divorce when my trusted self-help guru burst my bubble:
“No one owes you anything. Not your mother. Not your spouse. Not your best friend. Not your employer. No one. Nothing,” she scolded.
My Mona Lisa smile melted into American Gothic-farmer serious. What?! Tell me it’s not so… Deserve is a dirty word. I learned this the hard way.
'Deserve' through Entitlement
Entitlement implies that we should get or have something. Why? According to whom? In our Western world we’re prone to thinking by cause and effect. For instance:
Entitlement creates distance and fosters suffering.
'Deserve' through Victimization
Deserve is victim language. It implies that someone is withholding something from you. In this case, ‘deserve’ is used on a more personal level:
'Deserve' as a victim implies there’s a problem, a deficit.
'Deserve' through Self-Worth
Most people start out vying for things from others because we have a new-found insight that we are worth more than we thought. Excellent! A foolproof way to use ‘deserve’ as it’s meant to be used is to change your pronoun from “I” to “Everyone”.
Your Needs & Decisions
We all have an inherent ability to choose. When we are feeling like we are striving to get someone to give us something, or resentful because they are not, we are in victim stance. The key to transforming this? Face reality.
For instance, let’s say that you feel you deserve more affection from your partner. You have asked and he says he will try to be more affectionate, but things don’t change much. How else can you get this need met?
The first step is a scary one when you work towards building your self-worth and minimizing your view of what you feel the world owes you. Whatever first change you make doesn't need to be a big adjustment, just so long as you move towards improvement of quality of life. If you're not sure where to start, feel free to call me for a free phone consultation so we can work together to figure out how to begin. Remember, we all deserve to have a life worth living!
-Diane Dean, RN, CUG
Diane Dean is a coach, former counselor and business leader dedicated to supporting others to reach their fullest potential. She is the owner of Epiphany! Couching. Her passion is to support professionals to experience deep satisfaction and prosperity from their daily work and profound contentment in their personal lives, so they can truly capture the best of both worlds.