Do you really deserve it?

"Here's a Comprehensive List of Everything You're entitled to and What the World Owes You"

I was floating on a ‘self-gratification’ binge following a difficult divorce when my trusted self-help guru burst my bubble:

“No one owes you anything. Not your mother.  Not your spouse.  Not your best friend.  Not your employer.  No one. Nothing,” she scolded.

My Mona Lisa smile melted into American Gothic-farmer serious. What?! Tell me it’s not so… Deserve is a dirty word.  I learned this the hard way.

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'Deserve' through Entitlement
Entitlement implies that we should get or have something.  Why? According to whom?  In our Western world we’re prone to thinking by cause and effect.  For instance:

• Because I went to college, I should be rewarded with a good job. 
• Because I make six figures, I should be treated like royalty. 
• Because I help others so much, they should help me.

Don’t ‘should’ on others. It's just not fair, to you or that other person.  Deserve as entitlement is pride in shadow form, and often comes from a place of underlying shame and inferiority.  It’s also a set up for failure.  Not getting what you believe you deserve spurs anger. Entitlement separates and objectifies, leading us to see others as a means to our end rather than as people.  It also fails to take into account the possibility that having things happen another way may hold more long-term value than our tunnel vision affords us to see.
Entitlement creates distance and fosters suffering.

'Deserve' through Victimization
Deserve is victim language.  It implies that someone is withholding something from you.  In this case, ‘deserve’ is used on a more personal level:

• I deserve to be treated better.
• I deserve more attention.
• I deserve to stay home and not work (while you do).

In this case, it’s not exactly things we’re after, it’s ways of being treated.  We mold our desires into expectations and when we don’t get what we want; we get indignant, righteous, angry.  What if the responsibility for filling the gap was not the other person’s to fill?
'Deserve' as a victim implies there’s a problem, a deficit.

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